My Goal in Life

her eyes are alight with mischief

her smile is full of glee

her posture at times holds mystery.

...<3

Poetry

This old poem by Paul Laurence Dunbar "We Wear The Mask" got me thinking...

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

and reminded me of a really old poem I wrote years ago as well...

Beauty beyond choice,

Hear it in her voice.

Smiles to hold back the tears,

the sparkle everyone reveres.

Hope's rise with the sun,

It sets, the tears run.

Down her face,

To win the race...

A glance away, she will borrow,

Hidden behind those quivering hands,

Lies,

Her hidden sorrow.

She plays pretend so very well,

Yet in her eyes the water swells.

See the shimmer of one lone tear,

But no whimpering will you hear.

She pushes all away,

How much more will she have to pay?

There is nothing you can do or say.

Beauty Beyond Choice,

Silencing her voice.

That was LOOOONG time ago haha in like grade 9 I'm pretty sure!

Frustrating Families

I hate my family dynamic. Or at least, I'm saddened by it...

Why is it that not one conversation can be purely pleasant?

There always has to be some sort of passive aggressive remark or tone to the dialogue directed at another member of our family? It's like a power-play or struggle to seem superior by knocking the rest of us down. Why do family members intentionally hurt each other? Isn't family supposed to be what protects you from things like that? It's painful to think that the ones who should have your back in unconditional loyalty are the ones who you find yourself having to shield from. It's very painful.

Audrey♥

‎"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

— Audrey Hepburn

Just read a fantastic chapter from one of my newer book buys. Might I just say, BEST BUY EVER! This book is amazing, and is bringing back sooo many Audrey quotes I used to love. That and it just makes sense! The life lessons and tips are completely relevant to me, it's perfect. Reading this shows me that others value class just as much as I do, and that my opinions in many situations are 100% legitimate! I'm not an 'old woman' in a 19yr-olds body just because I like tea and don't like feel like flashing the world when I go out! And besides, pearls are timeless no matter what anybody says! Here's me gushing about a good book, and a great role model;

Audrey, I love you♥

お茶 の おんあ ２．０

So this is what I've edited and translated from the first half...

こんにちは　みんなさん。私　の　なまえ　は　花梨菜です。ともだち　は　よく　私　の　こと　「お茶　の　おんな」　と　よびます。なぜなら　なにより　も　お茶　が　大好き　です　から。　紅茶　から　ハーブチイー　まで、いろいろ　な　しろいお茶　が　あります　ね。お茶　は　へん　で　ふしぎ　な　すき　な　もの　に　みたい　です　が、ずっと　私　の　いのち　の　かけら　だったんです。　いつまでも　私　を　げんき　だせてました。いや　な　ひび　か　もんだい　が　ある　とき、いつも　お茶　を　のむ　と　きぶん　が　よく　なります。　いろいろ　な　お茶　が　私　を　たすけてくれています。　びょうき　に　なる　とき、しょうがゆ　は　いつも　のど　を　なおして　私　に　ちから　を　くれます。　ミンチ　チー　は　なつ　の　あつさ　を　まぬかさせます。　寂しくても、うらぎり　でも、シノモン　チー　は　こころ　を　あたためます。それ　に、しけん　が　ちかずいて、ストレス　に　なる　とき、レモン　の　紅茶　は　いつも　すっきり　で　き　を　ひきしめます。　私　に　は　お茶　が　とても　たいせつ　と　おもいます。　きもち　を　くんせん　して　いつも　よろこびさせます　から。　へこんで　あきらめたくて、私　は　お茶　に　なぐさせめてくれます。

Only a bit more to go...

お茶 の おんな

Okay so...

I have been complaining about this Japanese Speech, but i'm actually really excited to be taking part in it. Also, I am completely flattered that Tanaka-sensei thought I could be up for the challenge. My first idea for a topic was something I am really interested in, the religious make-up of Okinawa / Ryu-Kyu- Islands in Hokkaido. That and the fact that Okinawa has the HIGHEST concentration of centenarians in the WOLRD! (people who live to be over the age of 100, aka the fountain of youth). However i soon realized, that at my level of japanese, I would never be able to talk about those things... So, on to tea it was. I love tea, anyone who knows me knows that. It goes beyond a fondness for the scent or flavour though, I am very passionate about herbalism, and how tea can be used to affect a person's life emotionally and physically. Having reeped its benefits many times first-hand, I always try t pass on the valuable information. So why not in Japanese too? I already have a pretty wide vocabulary regarding tea in Japanese anyways. This is what I wrote the first night...

こにちは　みなさん、　私　の　なまえ　は　花梨菜です、　でも　ともだち　は
よく　私　を　お茶　の　おんな　と　よびます　なぜなら　なによりも　お茶　
が　すき　だからです。　紅茶　から　ハーブチイー　まで　いろいろな　しろい　
の　お茶　が　あります。

Just a short introduction. Tanaka-sensei started calling me "Ocha no onna" in first semester so I thought it would make a fitting title :P I've gone on to continue about where I want the speech to head content-wise in English and will slowly come back and translate here and there once my full idea is formed. here's the rest of a paragraph that I drafted today...

"Tea may seem like an uninteresting or strange thing to love, but it has always been a part of my life. It can have a positive affect on any negative situation you may be in. When I have a bad day or face a problem, I always turn to a pot of tea for help. There are so many different kinds that I know I will always find one to fit my needs. When I am sick, [しょうがゆ] Ginger tea always helps my throat feel better and gives me [げんき??]strength. [ミンチ　チイ] Mint tea is perfect for cooling me off in the summer's heat. If I ever feel [寂しい] lonely or betrayed [シノモン　チイ] Cinnamon tea will warm my heart. Also, when exams are near and I am stressed, [レモン　の　紅茶]Lemon Black tea keeps me refreshed and focused. Tea is very precious to me because it has such a strong influence over my emotions, and can always make me feel better. When I am overwhelmed and feel like giving up, tea is there to comfort me."

I've got more but it's all in messy, point-form. So I'm going to continue to work on it and bring it in for editing on Monday to the head of the Japanese department. Tomoko-sensei and I are becoming great friends haha, after discussing my speech today we went on to exchange recipes for unique chocolate blends! I gave her the idea of mixing chocolate and saffron, or chili pepper flakes. She told me about using Sea Salt to get a great sweet-&-salty taste out of the chocolate. I can't wait to try it!

Anyways back to work... I'll go make some cinnamon tea to cheer me up and keep trucking away on these translations. Then I should probably study for my French chapter test and Japanese chapter test on Monday.

Happy Sipping!

(On water beverage of choice)

カリンカ♥～

私 は ばか ですよ！

Right, so...

I haven't been around to do anything with this blog in just about a year...

I apologize, not like anyone's reading it, but it was supposed to be a contract

with myself and all ( a way to vent, commit to something...).

Anyways I'm back for round 2 and perhaps with a bit more discipline.

I've realized that the NAME of my blog is sooooo pig-headed of me...

Who calls themselves ~san? That is so rude! I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking

of it at the time, so I will leave it as is to serve as a reminder to THINK

before opening my mouth or typing up some nonsense...

Also, apparently I'm a jerk.

One of my biggest fears in the world is to let people down, fall below their

expectations, or be the reason for their unhappiness. Well, lately I've

unknowingly become a master at my own worst nightmares... Everywhere

I turn there is someone depending on me, someone who needs me, and

eventually someone I've let down. I thought my number one priority this

year was supposed to be focusing more on my own happiness and be less

self-sacrificing, not mean, just smarter about all the pieces of me that I

give away. But I can't possibly be happy knowing I've let anyone down.

I feel like a bitch. I want to turn around and fix things but, I have SO many

people depending on me right now, and SO many things to do. It's hard

to just stay afloat as things are, then I find out I'm hurting others while I'm

at it? This is one of the most devastating feelings for me to cope with...

I know all too well the pain of being disappointed and let down time and time

again, I promised myself I would never be the cause for that in anyone else,

but it turns out I already have, more than once! What is the matter with me?

Other people handle way crazier lives and still keep things together no problem! In the meantime I'm floundering, I have to find a new job, stay on top in 5 classes at university that I already feel behind in, be there for Baba at her beck and call, be there for my friends who rely on me as their personal shrink, do reasonably well in this Japanese Speech contest I've entered (that was kinda dumb), be my mother's first ever Maid of Honour as she plans her wedding this year, be a mother to my little brother (who often accidentally calls me 'mom', long story...), keep Baba stress free and in a healthy environment at home (cleaning), keep Luba (my puppy)

from destroying the house, and still try to maintain some kind of social life (my only outlet)... I want to cry, or sleep. At least that would be some sort of an escape. Where am I supposed to fit in doing things for me? I mean of course, taking care of others and making them happy makes me very happy...but right now it's only worrying me. however the thought of failing them all worries me MUCH more...Hell, I'm still trying to get over the worst heartbreak of my life. I was too busy before so I buried it nice and deep, but with all this anxiety its clawing its way back up. Everyone always states how happy a person I am, so positive and always smiling, well they must not know how many acting and drama lessons I took growing up, let alone the 'stage face' i learned early on in my 14 years of dancing. I can't bother anyone with this stuff because they have their own problems, and it's pointless to complain anyways. I'll just dish it all out here for now. Maybe on better days I can actually get back to writing something uplifting too. Like some of my old poetry or my favourite tea quotes! :D

Point being...I'll keep trying,

but I'm really, really tired...

so don't hold your breath, non-existent readers.