Halloween

By the way, my Halloween ideas so far;

-shakira as 'she wolf' (just by cutting up my black leotard from dance)



-or her 'waka waka' outfit



-a hula girl with flower wreath, etc



-a gypsy



-a warrior princess like Xena or something



All still just ideas...

Luff Kalynka☆彡

Rebel week!

"Do you know how hard it is to sneak out of your window with a newly pierced belly button? It freaking hurts!"

I must have said that 4 times last night while out with friends at the university bar during dollar draft night. What a week it's been! Again, I've neglected the blog, but I am back none the less! So this summer me and my best friend came up with our '20 for 20' list. Since we both turn 20 years old and felt like we had missed out on so much this far in our young lives, we compiled a list of 20 things that we would do over the summer to make it memorable. She has had her navel pierced for almost 2 years now, but has never had her ears pierced, while I've had mine since I was 13, but never dreamed of doing my belly! So among many of the other things we have already crossed off the list, yesterday we added those! It was a new experience to say the least, I think I will have to post a separate piece just describing the event itself. But what I want to get out today is how my actions and situations from within the last week have made me feel like a rebellious highschooler! I went to a concert on the weekend to see Down With Webster and there were so many young kids there being soooo immature, stupid, and just silly that I found myself starting to squeal right along with them and push and shove just as brutally! Then, I go out to get my navel pierced with my best friend and don't tell anyone in my family! Then get in a fight with my baba to the point that I risk sneaking out of my window to go out as opposed to just leaving anyways and causing more tension. I mean I'm 20 years old! I shouldn't feel the need to sneak around like that anymore! Who cares what changes I make to my body or if I decide to go out for drinks? It's gotten me thinking about how my family treats me, and further, what they view me as. My baba acts as if she still has ever right to rule my world or ground me, threatening me to take away the car or my own computer! I'm not a child, I'm also not on drugs, pregnant, or even having sex for that matter! So why on earth do I need to be treated like an irresponsible mess? I've brought up the issue a number of times, but as per usual, conversations like that go nowhere but to arguments and anger in my family. I just have to remind myself, that I am working 3 jobs and will be returning to university as a full-time student in the fall for my 3rd year! I am being very responsible and successful with what I've got, I'm on a good track somewhere, and want to keep it up! I can't let their need for control get me down or let their power-trips make me doubt myself. I'm doing well, they just choose not to see that. Instead all care to focus on is my 'disrespect' and 'inability to be a go-getter' or take care of my room. Which, might I add, is my own personal space! Leave it be! Yes, I am a work in progress, but that is no reason to treat me as a child or total screw up! I guess this rebellious week was just me acting out a little on my own. To prove that if I wanted to, I COULD get away with it. So props to me, but even more so for NOT doing it on a regular basis and being smarter than them. Yay me! Haha

Until next time,

Luff Kalynka☆彡

Spring Home & Garden Show

The Spring Home & Garden Show





So I went to the spring home and garden show again this year, always an eye-opening experience as well as a chance to engage in housewife-like interests haha! Of course I had to start with a picture with one of the many mascots! This year I found a dinosaur! Aaaaand yes, it looks like he's chomping down on my head! Haha he was funny :)







Next is the furniture section, I found a fabulous cow-print armchair and matching footrest! I fell in love with it instantly!~ it really matched what had been on my mind lately; I am planning on re-doing my room by scrapping all the old furniture and starting over with primarily white/black theme by mid-fall so this should fit in nicely! If that ever comes together I'll be sure to post before and after pics!







I finished off by of course taking some pictures in the garden areas! Me and my friends also spend a lot of time filling out ballots to enter in some of the draws that took place, the main prize often being a luxury hot tub! I wish!!

Some of the other things featured at the show included everything from boats & fire places, to nail polishes & jewelry...It was great fun!

Luff Kalynka☆彡

A tad bit tired...

I thought things were getting better. I mean, over reading week I was staying positive and having good relations with people, got a new job, transformed my room and my outlook! But I come back to University doubting things more than ever. After baba going back into the hospital and having family members attack me with their nasty remarks, not too mention all the pressure with school due dates, I just like giving up more than ever! I'm just SO overwhelmed! There's too much and I don't know what to do about it all, even just thinking about it gets me upset and worked up! Then I fall asleep, because I get so drained by the anxiety. But I end up sleeping away all my productivity! I only wanted to be the sweet and happy 19 yr old 'kalynk' that everyone used to think was so cute. And now I barely find the effort to keep up conversation and my famous contagious smile. It's not like being 'sweet or cute' was a show, but it feels like it's becoming one...Why is there just so much to worry about? Reading week was supposed to save me and be my break, my chance to recharge! Now here I am more drained than ever. I want to stay positive and say that I will pull through this, that I'll charm my way out of this whole mess!..but there are just sooo many people, thoughts, and EVENTS that are dragging me down :( Not to mention the crazy dreams I've been having lately, they are so realistic (and about real events in my life) that I wake up and don't realize until later in the day that they didn't actually happen! I'm not sure what all this means, but I'm tired, and I need to go take a nap or something before I can try to study for tomorrow...

Horoscope Love♥

I was bored and looking for a study break, when I stumbled upon an email from Tarot.com; the result of an old subscription I made years back. I used to LOVE that site because it would send me my daily horoscope and it would ALWAYS be right when other places weren't! Lately things have just been confusing and energy-draining for me so I decided to take a look at my horoscope again. What I found was uplifting and eye-opening :)

Greatest Strength:

Your playful and loving nature

Possible Weakness:

Need for approval can become too important

http://www.tarot.com/astrology/daily-horoscope/

This is just a taste of all the insight I gained about myself, stuff that really hit home and reminded me of who I am (no matter how naive that makes me)! I definitely suggest checking it out, if only for a good laugh or interesting take on things :)

~Kalynka♥

Okinawan love♥ Nan kuru nai sa!

なん くる ない さ or 難来る無いさ
These are words to live by...My favourite Okinawan quote! When all else fails, just think "No hardship will come! It will all be ok!" It may be naive...But it works! (if not just for comfort)

Luba

By the way, Luba is my sweet 1yr old puppy! With really bad separation anxiety from her first owners who used to keep her in a kennel from 9am-6pm because of work. It's going to be tough this next week of school, she will be alone in the house most of the day with baba in the hospital. She's a lot like me though, a tough cookie. I leave the TV on for her to have human voices around, and when I get home we go for a walk, then of course, at night she won't dare leave my side. It's bitter sweet in the morning when she tries to stop me from getting out of bed... I love you Luba♥ My Ukrainian sweetheart♥

Me and Luba♥

First of all, I'm just going to say; "That's ONE way to find out who's reading your blog!!!" I win. Second of all, Baba went back into emerg lastnight... This time is a little different, they still don't have an actual diagnosis and all they are really confirming is that they want to keep her for a week. Midterms on Monday should be fun. So for now, it's just me and Luba, studying it up and making runs to the hospital for visiting. Not to mention running the business here at home and answering all the questions from the concerned clients that I've had to cancel for the next month. I hope they can figure out what EXACTLY is wrong this time, since they were obviously wrong before. I also hope I can cope with this accordingly, although I must say, I'm getting rather tired of all these 'tests' from the past 2 years!

On a lighter note, my friend's surprise party on Saturday went pretty darn well. Considering it was my first time being a 'co-hostess' for that kind of thing I'm pretty proud. I'm really glad I could help give her that, after her mom died from cancer and her boyfriend of so long broke up with her, she really really really deserved something good in her life♥ Not to mention a chance for all of her friends to show their support! And YES! I survived the interaction with the EX! haha I actually barely noticed the fact he was there save for when he first walked in and looked like a caveman!!! (CRazzzzzy facial hair going on there...) So all in all it turned out well. Until I got home on Sunday to find baba having such a hard time breathing...

ANYWAYS!!!

Happy Birthday wishes to both Megan and Matt!

And

GOOD LUCK TO ME & LUBA!!!

Time Alone

I feel great after going to the gym, I finally got the chance to go since my other plans got cancelled, thank god! I really needed it. Even though I saw some familiar faces...I just plugged in my music and went to town. I didn't realize until after that I had been there almost 2 hours. That's a long time for me! I felt so great afterwards, until I checked my phone...I used to think I was such a social person, loved smiling and being around others. Lately though, I've just wanted nothing to do with anyone save for my absolute closest friends that have been with me through the events of the past year and a half. This may be rude, cruel even, but I've never been a selfish person and I think I deserve this moment of parsimony. It's nice to think that someone doesn't want to give up on you, because they think you need them and what not, but all that really does is cause me grief. I already have a lot of people who care about me and better yet, KNOW what I'm going through and KNOW when to back off. Sometimes you don't want someone to keep pushing you, you just want time to yourself. I just don't know how to show others that without coming off as a complete bitch, maybe that is the only way...It's especially uncomfortable when it seems like they have deeper feelings for you than friendship. I am NOT even willing to entertain ideas like that right now...I hope I can diffuse this situation accordingly, and in the meantime I'm going to go have a nap, and hopefully wake up happy again. then go to superstore and pick up baba's prescription and groceries... haha there's never really much room for escape is there?

Victory

"That the victory is not about not having bad days anymore. The victory is that you can get back up after having one."
-Christine Kane

This is what I am working towards, it takes time, but it will come. I have to tell myself that or else I will be in an inconsolable state of depression! So here's to a future victory! Cheers!~

My Goal in Life

her eyes are alight with mischief

her smile is full of glee

her posture at times holds mystery.

...<3

Poetry

This old poem by Paul Laurence Dunbar "We Wear The Mask" got me thinking...

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

and reminded me of a really old poem I wrote years ago as well...

Beauty beyond choice,

Hear it in her voice.

Smiles to hold back the tears,

the sparkle everyone reveres.

Hope's rise with the sun,

It sets, the tears run.

Down her face,

To win the race...

A glance away, she will borrow,

Hidden behind those quivering hands,

Lies,

Her hidden sorrow.

She plays pretend so very well,

Yet in her eyes the water swells.

See the shimmer of one lone tear,

But no whimpering will you hear.

She pushes all away,

How much more will she have to pay?

There is nothing you can do or say.

Beauty Beyond Choice,

Silencing her voice.

That was LOOOONG time ago haha in like grade 9 I'm pretty sure!

Frustrating Families

I hate my family dynamic. Or at least, I'm saddened by it...

Why is it that not one conversation can be purely pleasant?

There always has to be some sort of passive aggressive remark or tone to the dialogue directed at another member of our family? It's like a power-play or struggle to seem superior by knocking the rest of us down. Why do family members intentionally hurt each other? Isn't family supposed to be what protects you from things like that? It's painful to think that the ones who should have your back in unconditional loyalty are the ones who you find yourself having to shield from. It's very painful.

Audrey♥

‎"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

— Audrey Hepburn

Just read a fantastic chapter from one of my newer book buys. Might I just say, BEST BUY EVER! This book is amazing, and is bringing back sooo many Audrey quotes I used to love. That and it just makes sense! The life lessons and tips are completely relevant to me, it's perfect. Reading this shows me that others value class just as much as I do, and that my opinions in many situations are 100% legitimate! I'm not an 'old woman' in a 19yr-olds body just because I like tea and don't like feel like flashing the world when I go out! And besides, pearls are timeless no matter what anybody says! Here's me gushing about a good book, and a great role model;

Audrey, I love you♥

お茶 の おんあ ２．０

So this is what I've edited and translated from the first half...

こんにちは　みんなさん。私　の　なまえ　は　花梨菜です。ともだち　は　よく　私　の　こと　「お茶　の　おんな」　と　よびます。なぜなら　なにより　も　お茶　が　大好き　です　から。　紅茶　から　ハーブチイー　まで、いろいろ　な　しろいお茶　が　あります　ね。お茶　は　へん　で　ふしぎ　な　すき　な　もの　に　みたい　です　が、ずっと　私　の　いのち　の　かけら　だったんです。　いつまでも　私　を　げんき　だせてました。いや　な　ひび　か　もんだい　が　ある　とき、いつも　お茶　を　のむ　と　きぶん　が　よく　なります。　いろいろ　な　お茶　が　私　を　たすけてくれています。　びょうき　に　なる　とき、しょうがゆ　は　いつも　のど　を　なおして　私　に　ちから　を　くれます。　ミンチ　チー　は　なつ　の　あつさ　を　まぬかさせます。　寂しくても、うらぎり　でも、シノモン　チー　は　こころ　を　あたためます。それ　に、しけん　が　ちかずいて、ストレス　に　なる　とき、レモン　の　紅茶　は　いつも　すっきり　で　き　を　ひきしめます。　私　に　は　お茶　が　とても　たいせつ　と　おもいます。　きもち　を　くんせん　して　いつも　よろこびさせます　から。　へこんで　あきらめたくて、私　は　お茶　に　なぐさせめてくれます。

Only a bit more to go...

お茶 の おんな

Okay so...

I have been complaining about this Japanese Speech, but i'm actually really excited to be taking part in it. Also, I am completely flattered that Tanaka-sensei thought I could be up for the challenge. My first idea for a topic was something I am really interested in, the religious make-up of Okinawa / Ryu-Kyu- Islands in Hokkaido. That and the fact that Okinawa has the HIGHEST concentration of centenarians in the WOLRD! (people who live to be over the age of 100, aka the fountain of youth). However i soon realized, that at my level of japanese, I would never be able to talk about those things... So, on to tea it was. I love tea, anyone who knows me knows that. It goes beyond a fondness for the scent or flavour though, I am very passionate about herbalism, and how tea can be used to affect a person's life emotionally and physically. Having reeped its benefits many times first-hand, I always try t pass on the valuable information. So why not in Japanese too? I already have a pretty wide vocabulary regarding tea in Japanese anyways. This is what I wrote the first night...

こにちは　みなさん、　私　の　なまえ　は　花梨菜です、　でも　ともだち　は
よく　私　を　お茶　の　おんな　と　よびます　なぜなら　なによりも　お茶　
が　すき　だからです。　紅茶　から　ハーブチイー　まで　いろいろな　しろい　
の　お茶　が　あります。

Just a short introduction. Tanaka-sensei started calling me "Ocha no onna" in first semester so I thought it would make a fitting title :P I've gone on to continue about where I want the speech to head content-wise in English and will slowly come back and translate here and there once my full idea is formed. here's the rest of a paragraph that I drafted today...

"Tea may seem like an uninteresting or strange thing to love, but it has always been a part of my life. It can have a positive affect on any negative situation you may be in. When I have a bad day or face a problem, I always turn to a pot of tea for help. There are so many different kinds that I know I will always find one to fit my needs. When I am sick, [しょうがゆ] Ginger tea always helps my throat feel better and gives me [げんき??]strength. [ミンチ　チイ] Mint tea is perfect for cooling me off in the summer's heat. If I ever feel [寂しい] lonely or betrayed [シノモン　チイ] Cinnamon tea will warm my heart. Also, when exams are near and I am stressed, [レモン　の　紅茶]Lemon Black tea keeps me refreshed and focused. Tea is very precious to me because it has such a strong influence over my emotions, and can always make me feel better. When I am overwhelmed and feel like giving up, tea is there to comfort me."

I've got more but it's all in messy, point-form. So I'm going to continue to work on it and bring it in for editing on Monday to the head of the Japanese department. Tomoko-sensei and I are becoming great friends haha, after discussing my speech today we went on to exchange recipes for unique chocolate blends! I gave her the idea of mixing chocolate and saffron, or chili pepper flakes. She told me about using Sea Salt to get a great sweet-&-salty taste out of the chocolate. I can't wait to try it!

Anyways back to work... I'll go make some cinnamon tea to cheer me up and keep trucking away on these translations. Then I should probably study for my French chapter test and Japanese chapter test on Monday.

Happy Sipping!

(On water beverage of choice)

カリンカ♥～

私 は ばか ですよ！

Right, so...

I haven't been around to do anything with this blog in just about a year...

I apologize, not like anyone's reading it, but it was supposed to be a contract

with myself and all ( a way to vent, commit to something...).

Anyways I'm back for round 2 and perhaps with a bit more discipline.

I've realized that the NAME of my blog is sooooo pig-headed of me...

Who calls themselves ~san? That is so rude! I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking

of it at the time, so I will leave it as is to serve as a reminder to THINK

before opening my mouth or typing up some nonsense...

Also, apparently I'm a jerk.

One of my biggest fears in the world is to let people down, fall below their

expectations, or be the reason for their unhappiness. Well, lately I've

unknowingly become a master at my own worst nightmares... Everywhere

I turn there is someone depending on me, someone who needs me, and

eventually someone I've let down. I thought my number one priority this

year was supposed to be focusing more on my own happiness and be less

self-sacrificing, not mean, just smarter about all the pieces of me that I

give away. But I can't possibly be happy knowing I've let anyone down.

I feel like a bitch. I want to turn around and fix things but, I have SO many

people depending on me right now, and SO many things to do. It's hard

to just stay afloat as things are, then I find out I'm hurting others while I'm

at it? This is one of the most devastating feelings for me to cope with...

I know all too well the pain of being disappointed and let down time and time

again, I promised myself I would never be the cause for that in anyone else,

but it turns out I already have, more than once! What is the matter with me?

Other people handle way crazier lives and still keep things together no problem! In the meantime I'm floundering, I have to find a new job, stay on top in 5 classes at university that I already feel behind in, be there for Baba at her beck and call, be there for my friends who rely on me as their personal shrink, do reasonably well in this Japanese Speech contest I've entered (that was kinda dumb), be my mother's first ever Maid of Honour as she plans her wedding this year, be a mother to my little brother (who often accidentally calls me 'mom', long story...), keep Baba stress free and in a healthy environment at home (cleaning), keep Luba (my puppy)

from destroying the house, and still try to maintain some kind of social life (my only outlet)... I want to cry, or sleep. At least that would be some sort of an escape. Where am I supposed to fit in doing things for me? I mean of course, taking care of others and making them happy makes me very happy...but right now it's only worrying me. however the thought of failing them all worries me MUCH more...Hell, I'm still trying to get over the worst heartbreak of my life. I was too busy before so I buried it nice and deep, but with all this anxiety its clawing its way back up. Everyone always states how happy a person I am, so positive and always smiling, well they must not know how many acting and drama lessons I took growing up, let alone the 'stage face' i learned early on in my 14 years of dancing. I can't bother anyone with this stuff because they have their own problems, and it's pointless to complain anyways. I'll just dish it all out here for now. Maybe on better days I can actually get back to writing something uplifting too. Like some of my old poetry or my favourite tea quotes! :D

Point being...I'll keep trying,

but I'm really, really tired...

so don't hold your breath, non-existent readers.